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Guest Post: 4 Simple Ways to Be a Better Friend

These days, people have become incredibly lax in their social interactions. Of course, if you’re only looking for quantity over quality, it doesn’t really matter what you do. If you want to develop quality friendships, you’ll have to stop or reduce some of the social faux pas that have become so acceptable.

There’s a logic behind wanting to do this. Since so many people are careless with their friendships, caring about your own interactions makes you valuable as a friend. You don’t even have to make as much additional effort as you think, since additional effort is rare. Here are four ways to be an exceptional friend and attract exceptional friends:

1. Put down your phone for a minute.

Many people frequently answer texts and calls in the middle of conversations. And not just one or two times. They’ll have the phone out in the open and every time the phone rings, they’ll drop everything and pounce on the phone as if they’ve been nervously waiting all day to hear news about winning the lottery. It doesn’t end there because the phone will ring 4, 5 times per hour or more.

(Conversely, it’s odd that these same people will take forever to answer a text or call they don’t want to answer. Which is when being available 24/7 kicks them in the butt.)

Believe me when I say I love technology. Bless the people who discovered these things. But I will never understand why people are so concerned about staying “connected” through texting, Facebook or Twitter when they have a real live person ready to socialize in front of them. It’s like cutting off your nose to spite your face.

For the record, “bonding” on Facebook or Twitter will never hold a torch to the real thing. It can’t possibly be hard to put your phone on silent and out of sight for two hours – maybe only checking it once. But, hey, maybe I didn’t get the memo.

I realize that if you follow this ‘rule,’ it doesn’t mean that most other people will do it also. Fair enough. However, the people who are aware of this (they do exist) – the ones who make better conversational partners, anyway – will notice and will appreciate it. Win-win.

2. Cut out the flakiness.

Flakiness is a huge problem – and the fact that people can cancel anything at the last possible minute aggravates it. Contrary to popular opinion, this is not a good look. I’m not talking about being a few minutes late, or even being chronically late. Growing up in a culture that doesn’t value punctuality destroyed (almost) any pet peeve I may have regarding that.

Here is a personal example. I recently hosted a small event that a number of people have been asking for – they just didn’t want to host it themselves. Out of the 8 people who RSVPed yes, one showed up 5 minutes late, the second one showed up 25 minutes late, and the third one showed up 50 minutes late (but he did call saying he would be late). The rest never showed up or contacted me, except for one who emailed me 4 weeks later inquiring about the next event. I didn’t spend a lot of money or time planning this event, so I was simply amused. At least the people that did come were interesting. But, again, this is just a small example of a much bigger trend.

Since so many people chronically fail to do it, making the effort to show up when you say you’re going to automatically makes you more trustworthy and easier to bond with. Even if you only do it 75% of the time. I’m guessing most people just don’t like saying no; some (not all) would rather make it look like they want to come but “something else came up.” I say this because if an event is mandatory, most people will magically find a way to come, disruptions be damned.

If there is doubt you’ll make it to an event, say no. Not ‘maybe.’ Not ‘yes,’ then cancel 5 minutes before. Just say no. It’s easier for everyone involved.

3. Think outside the box.

Another way to be an exceptional friend and attract exceptional friends is to think outside of the box when coming up with things to do. You don’t even have to go that far away from ‘the box.’ Most people will opt for a movie, dinner, or club/bar-hopping. If you and your friends do this – and you’re currently happy with your group of friends – then that’s fine. I definitely believe that it’s who you hang out and not what you’re doing. However, doing the same things over and over can get stale even with the right group of friends.

If you’re bored with those options, you don’t have to keep doing them. If you have certain interests that your friends don’t know about or are vaguely aware about, you can use that as a starting point. You can also sign-up to various newsletters that will notify you of interesting things happening around town. I’ve personally invited friends to festivals, free lessons at a studio, painting, show and concert events, ethnic cooking classes, etc. Nothing crazy like swimming with the sharks. Yet.

I admit it’s hard to get most people to do anything new, especially if they’re already comfortable with their repertoire of ‘things to do.’ Most people will not take me up on most of these invitations. A part of me understands it, but not when they turn around and complain about being bored. It’s gotten so bad that I’ll ignore certain people if they say that.

I also do understand that most people don’t want to do un-ordinary things with people they don’t really know. They’re out of their element. I’m like this sometimes, too. Fair enough.

Sometimes I’ll do these things on my own anyway and I’ll meet people there that are more interested in doing un-ordinary things. So it’s still a win-win. I’ve had nothing but good experiences when doing things out of the box, even when I’ve had to go alone.

4. Remember what’s important to someone and use it.

When it comes to remembering conversations and little things about people, most of us have terrible memory. Unless you’re trying to impress someone or get something from them, you really don’t have a reason to remember. I sure don’t remember every detail of every conversation I’ve had with every person. Nowhere near that. Fortunately you don’t have to in order to be an exceptional friend and attract exceptional friends.

What you can do is try to remember 1 or 2 things that are very important to a person. This “thing” may or may not be obvious if you don’t know them very well. Don’t worry about remembering all the things they’re somewhat interested in, because then it gets to be too much.

Once you figure out what this “thing” is, you can use it to help them out regarding that “thing” (e.g. giving value). It doesn’t even have to be a physical gift. It could be a simple email or a conversation.

For example: If you know someone who is crazy about a certain show or band, you can email them news that you may have discovered about it or a discount code to a viewing. Even if they don’t use it – or if they already know about it – the thought is still appreciated and it can work as an icebreaker. If you know someone who has small kids (usually their kids are one of the most important things to them), you can tell them about a free event in town for small kids or bring the kids a batch of cookies when you visit. You get the picture.

This is something that most of us, me included, aren’t used to doing. Most of us are sitting around waiting for the other person to make the first move and prove to us that they are exceptional friends. As we all know, the odds of finding exceptional friends this way are dismal.

However, I’ve recently made it a goal to do a minimum of one exceptional thing for one friend every week. This is something I would do sporadically, so I’m vaguely aware of the benefits. Unless we schedule it in, we won’t remember to do it and thus we will never truly benefit from the bonds that can result.

How about you? What tips do you have for being an exceptional friend and attracting exceptional friends?

I would like to extend a special thanks to Valerie Mondesir of Insightfull for letting me re-post her article. I read it and just had to share it with you. Val is an amazing writer and has several other articles on self-improvement that you need to read. For the original article, click here.